How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
you had me at cake vodka
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
