i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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