That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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