Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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