Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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