if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
