ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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