God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
farters have to be the big spoon...
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
