Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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