The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I cockslap morals
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
