There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
