Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize