last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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