A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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