he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
