I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
