dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
