Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
