another moral hangover. fuck.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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