i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
