I cannot find my penis.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
