Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
no. you can't hotbox the world.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
