Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
