Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
