I'm lost and stupid without you.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
