She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
