maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
