i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
