i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
