im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
