when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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