i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Randomize
