I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
