no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
