just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
