don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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