Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
