I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
