Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
