I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I just found puke in my bra..
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
