my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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