my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
