Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize