Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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