oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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