like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
