My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
