Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
