how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize