You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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