Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
