ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
