I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
