Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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