I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
