Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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