upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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