Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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