i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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