Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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