I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
