yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
