I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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