She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
