is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
