If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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