You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My liver is preforming stress tests.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
